Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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