i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
