maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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