If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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