I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
