Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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