You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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