A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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