When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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