just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
