So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Randomize
