LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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