I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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