Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
