Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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