so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
