You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This baby is an asshole
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
