I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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