sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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