i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
