I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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