Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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