It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
