i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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