3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
