We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
