I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
