just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
