I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
