conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
