i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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