if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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