My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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