I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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