saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
