Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
