i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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