I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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