..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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