Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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