she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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