Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
