So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
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