please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
