Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
