Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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