Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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