someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
