I faked an abortion last night.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
