I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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