she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
