All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
