I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
