So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
