tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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