did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
