This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
