i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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