WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
